This last six and half months have been filled with so many emotions. I have experienced a joy in knowing that I am right where God wants me to be, finally. There has been moments of loneliness being so far away from my friends and family and not having a spouse or partner to share this with. I have met some amazing people that have inspired me and fed my soul. I spent the summer with three of the most amazing 20 yr olds as my interns and I can’t wait to see what God has in store for their lives. Teams have come and gone and I have had the opportunity to meet people from places that I have never been that I truly believe will be long-term friends. I have discovered things about myself that I never knew I was capable of. Things like living without hot water, air conditioning or the guarantee of electricity. Like getting used to driving up and down dirt roads filled with pot-holes and people walking all around you with no shoes. Getting used to the fact that every moment I am at home I have to have a fan blowing directly on me, no matter what I’m doing, which includes me finding anything that I can use as a paperweight to hold down my paperwork. Like throwing out the window any germaphobic tendencies I may have to embrace and give kisses to a child that I am desperately in love with that probably hasn’t bathed in days. To feeling a feeling so deep in my soul that I can’t even breathe of the Love that God has for us, for all of us.
God has not only used my experiences of Haiti and the Haitian people but Americans that are here temporarily to speak into my life so profoundly. I have made friendships and connections to some amazing Godly people that I pray I will be able to keep in touch with and that can continue to speak into my life. I have shared the hurtful stories of my past and have been blessed by others words of encouragement and assurance. God has allowed me to be me and use just that. He doesn’t have to turn me into the woman that I think I have to be before he can use me. He has used me just as I am, broken and redeemed. It has been amazing and freeing to be in a place that I can just be vulnerable to whatever He has in store and sit back and watch Him orchestrate the things that He can use for His glory.
I came to Haiti with little expectations, as I have said. Coming from a Retail Management background where every interview I have been in I have been asked where I see myself in 2 yrs, 5 yrs, 10 yrs, and I better have goals and plans to aspire too. I have felt like somewhat of a failure for a long time for not knowing what my future holds. For not having a huge dramatic goal to work towards. Ever since my divorce about 7 years ago, I have been in survival mode and that’s about it. God has revealed to me that sometimes survival mode is a good place to be. That’s the place that you desperately need Him to show up and provide. To prove Himself to you. To allow Him to create the plan and you won’t get in the way of it. I love this place. I love Him being in control and though I’m sad that it has taken me so many years to get here, I’m grateful I am now.
God has shown me that He is not finished with me here in Haiti yet. Though next Wednesday I will be on American soil for the first time since the first of May, I don’t find that to be my home for now. Haiti is my home. It is where my heart and His heart in me reside so therefore I must as well. It is hard for me to think about and plan to raise the $15,000 in support I need to have in order to come back here, but I believe that it is God’s plan which means that He is in control. It is such a blessing to have a position in which I feel fulfilled and I can be a blessing to others. God has placed me with an incredible organization and Directors that I believe in and who believe in me.
This is going to be my life’s verse for this next step as I live to serve Him and His people in Haiti.
“The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives and release from the darkness for the prisoners, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor and the day of vengeance of our God, to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of his splendor” (Isaiah 61:1-3).
If you would like to pray for me or donate financially towards my next year of serving here, please visit my GoFundMe page
Send a check to: Christian Life Church
P.O. Box 8527
La Crescenta, Ca 91224